Two weeks after we broke off, I had a dream that she was begging me on my feet. And the next day she came back and tried to fix things. Her relationship with her affair somehow did not last that long. But the damage she inflicted was beyond emotional repair. What she did with the guy is something I cannot reconsider. Yes I can forgive but I cannot forget. I was torn with the decision making process, but I made the right one. I moved on.

Of late, I’ve been having unpleasant dreams. I don’t know if I’ve been thinking too much or is it this bloody battered brain playing mind games with me. I just hope they’re not true. I just don’t want to encounter the same devastation I had years ago, because during these difficult times, I do not think I can cope with it all.

Sometimes it feels good to look back at our past life especially if we know that we’re not going to live long in this world. When we look back, we smile, laugh or even cry remembering all the bitter sweet happenings. Tales of unsuccessful crushes, true friendship, daily pressures at work, etc. But yet, what is life without all those things? As you all know from this blog, especially when you have read it from the very beginning, it is just a little piece of my life. Although not much and messy as it is, it is still my life. And I have come to learn to appreciate and cherish every moment of it until we drew the last breath and move on to the next.

When I looked back at myself before this blog, it made me smile remembering how my life was back in those days. How I am always surrounded by wonderful friends who are now living their own life, some who already settled down and have kids yet our bond is always intact. How friends come and go. How love ones lived and died. How love is proven to be very powerful. How people can have a crush on their own best friend. How I travelled a lot and moving from one place to another. It was so full of ups and downs like a roller coaster, but I have no regrets in living it.

You see, I am not new to blogging. Years ago, I used to have 2 blogs which I’d like to call it a Prequel to this current blog. It’s where I journalised my routines, what I did, where I went, what I felt. While some entries in there was basically carried forward to this blog, but I think it is time for me to share it as a gift for my loyal readers. For now I will just share one of them. Finish it first and I will release the earlier prequel.

So here it is. It was called Vain Enterprise. Happy reading.

If I go to heaven, I will ask God to send you a guardian angel. I will ask God to send you someone who can love and care for you far better than I do. Someone who has a strong and unbreakable heart. Someone who will never disappoint you, someone who can always be there for you, someone who will never fly leaving you lonely. Someone who will always keep you company anytime you need one.

If I go to heaven, I want to watch over you everytime. Watch you everytime you wake up, watch you everytime you work, watch you everytime you take a nap, watch you everytime you eat, watch you everytime you sleep.

But wait. What if I go to hell?

My baby. I know by know you must have hated me. Hated me for having a weak and fragile heart. Hated me for not giving things another try. Hated me for being weak. Hated me for being silent. Hated me for ignoring you.

My baby. I don’t even know why is this happening. I am in a mess which I don’t even know how to get out of it. I’ve been wandering all day and night not knowing where to go, under the sun, under the rain. Purely a complete mess.

My baby. I don’t know for how long I will survive this cruel world. How I wish your face will be the last I see if I should die. How I wish to hold you when I drew my last breath. But I know that is not going to happen. It’s all because of me, my own foolishness, my own weakness.

My baby. I miss your laughter, your voice, your giggles. I will never ever forget everything about you. Things might be short-lived but this broken heart will always have you written on it.

My baby. I don’t know what else to say, except I love you. RHM.

ps. a song for you.

at any time,

and often when least expected

Chapter 1 – The Younger Years

BRUNEI – I was born late 1970s to a poor family. My late grandparents were farmers whose hardship taught their children how to appreciate hard work in order to survive. My father started as an office boy with a wage of less than $300, I bet $300 was a lot those days though. Throughout the years, he scaled one jumping stone to another to get to where he was until his retirement, working and studying regardless of day or time. Our lives slowly improved, from a hut in the middle of a paddy field, to a decent government flat and to a self owned house, all from the blood and sweat of my parents.

Still, us, the children, never forget all the hardship during our younger days. Those days we can’t afford too much of pleasure. My mum would scold me if I asked for a toy, unlike my 17 year sister Sab who basically gets what she wanted without much questions. Of course I’m not putting any comparison between me and my only sister, it’s just that things are better nowadays. Yet I am glad Sab knows how to appreciate and at time looks at herself, wondering whether she was a spoilt brat or not. But I guess she is! Huhu

Schooldays was glorious, especially during the senior year where we had the whole school to bully. Our bully were non violent, no typical junior fight picking or beating up. In fact we’d rather pull some pranks amongst ourselves. Hide each other’s bag in the shrubs, sneak laboratory apparatus into pencil cases, abscond least favoured classes or throw each other into the fish pond.

Love and relationship was a less priority those days. But it does not stop us from having crushes with some junior girls, most of them were unsuccessful. My first crush was Azy, a pretty junior girl in the karate class. She prefers good looking guys and since I am not what one can hall handsome, hence I am way down in her Top 50 list. Being one of the most prettiest girl in school, no boy would deny her. Of course, she had her shares of puppy love, sometime seen walking with one of the good looking guys in school.

Yet, I had the courage to come to her and tell her that I like her. Just like I always did when I have a crush on a girl. Azy just smiled, I know she was so used to hear those puppy talks from guys. And I did not expect for any positive outcome from her anyway. We remained friends though, as time passed by, I can’t help getting jealous seeing her with other guys. As we grew, the feeling grew too. I guess it’s my teenage instinct.

Sometimes it’s funny if we look back, at such a young age when we think we are ripe enough to make our decision, and how hasty and foolish were those decisions. When I look back, I don’t even know if I can call it First Love, but what I know it was a college crush, a puppy love. But yea, I did that hasty and foolish thing. I bumped into her before karate class. She was already in her outfit. I approached her, like always she gave me a smile.

I greeted her and then the words just blurted out of my mouth.

“Azy, I’m in love with you.”

Her smile turned sour. Like a flash of lightning, a felt a sharp and quick blow on my stomach. I crouched to the ground and I could hardly breathe. Amidst the pain, I saw Azy walking away from my sight. Apparently and somehow, she was so pissed with my statement for some reasons and gave me kick on my stomach. Curious onlookers just watched while I tried to get up. Even before I knew it, I can only see watery visions through my eyes and my chest felt so heavy bearing the physical pain of the kick, not to mention the emotional damage I felt for the very first time in my life.

There. The first crack in my heart. At a point that day, I vowed not to see Azy again, because I know it will hurt me even more apart from the humiliation. I avoided the routes we always crossed. I never came to gym anymore so I won’t meet the karate class. After the final exams, I never came to school anymore. I have said my goodbye to my ECAs since that incident. Life has to go on without Azy. After all I thought it was just school love story. I had to put Azy behind my head from then on.

So yea, I moved forward. Over the years, I spent most of it in UK and the Middle East and picked a career. I never heard of Azy anymore. When I returned to Brunei, I totally had forgotten about her when I found a Hari Raya card in my room. Well, those days SMS were still unheard of. I opened the letter and much to my shock, it was from Azy.  I was too overwhelmed with shock that I rather not think of how on God’s green earth she managed to get my address.

She wrote a long apology letter, remorseful for the physical assault she made just because I said what I said and that she didn’t mean to hurt me in any way. She also left her address hoping that I would come to her house on Hari Raya in case I’m back in Brunei.

Oh well. I already forgave her the moment she kicked me.

It must be hard for you, really hard. Losing someone who is so dear to you. I have been there, and I still feel it up to this very moment. How can we ever forget their smile, their laughter? Only to find out we won’t be hearing it again. It was all out of a sudden. Today we were talking happily, telling jokes, stories of our lives. Yet the next day, they’re gone forever. All that is left are their giggles ringing inside our ears. All that is left are photos of those good times together. All that is left are sweet memories. All that is left are images on how cute she looked when she eats her muffin. All that is left are the press cuttings of that tragic accident.

But it is the will and act of Allah. Death is inevitable, sooner or later we all are going to face it. It just happens that those who we dearly love had their turn ahead of us. If we think we love them so much, Allah loves them more. All we can do is send them prayers and may we be reunited with them one day. That one sweet day where sorrow cease to exist. There will only be eternal happiness. All we can do is just pray for that moment to happen.

My dear friend. We have to be strong. Our life may seem incomplete without them, but we have people around us who will always complete the missing pieces in our lives, as long as we have faith. Life, no matter how cruel it is, has to go on. Allah will never test us beyond what we can endure, because Allah is The Most Loving and Merciful.

Al-Fatihah

“Dan janganlah kamu menghampiri zina, sesungguhnya zina itu adalah perbuatan yang keji dan satu jalan yang jahat (yang membawa kepada kerosakan).”

(Surah al-Isra’:32)