Raya Blues

This year, my Hari Raya was spent mostly on bed. I fell ill on the last day of fasting, somehow it was good that the moon was “not sighted” although on that night, malam raya, I saw the crescent just the way I always saw it on the evening of the first day of raya. Some elder eyes said the moon was 2 days old. Oh well, its up to the authorities to decide anyway, we as loyal subjects can only obey and follow what was announced on TV. Apa-apa pun, raya tetap raya.

Back to my illness, I reported sick on the last day of puasa, so yea, 5 days off for me, but too bad it was spent on bed for almost 2 days. The eve of Hari Raya, as always, with the harmonious recital of the Takbir filling the serene atmosphere, I thought of Amy. How could I ever forget that night, 3 years ago, me and her made peace after some complications in our friendship. I still remember how we didn’t talk for quite some time, to the extent of brushing shoulders without even saying ‘Hi’. She was a lovely girl, but I just don’t know what went wrong, I guess things just changed after I confessed my feelings for her.

So that malam raya 2005, I sent SMS greetings to almost every Muslim friend in my phonebook including her. I never expected her to reply me coz I know she must have hated me. But no, Amy was such a gracious girl and she would never hate anyone. In fact, she was the first one to reply to my text. I still remember every single word, with the short forms and all,

“Zul, ku kan minta maaf dari ujung rambut ke ujung kaki sal nda betagur sma u langsung. Slmt ri raya!”

So I replied,

“It’s ok Amy, lupakan tah yg sudah2. Friends?”

“Yeah, friends! (“,)”

And we became friends once again, as usual texting each other and all, until that tragic day few weeks after that, just 3 days before her 20th birthday, when I already bought her a card that never reached her hands. That day when she succumbed in a tragic car accident, Allah took Amy back to where she belong. We were shocked, devastated. I can’t believe the news when Amal called me amidst her tears. Really, I was in a state of.. hmm.. I don’t even know how to explain..

Amy, her mother, sister, uncle and auntie, they were buried on the same night. After the funeral, me and Amal decided, Allah loves Amy more, while us, we still have our own incomplete journey. It was hard for us, and it must have been harder for her surviving family members. But life has to go on until such time when it is our turn to return to our Creator.

I may have told this story already, again and again, same time every year. Search back to my last year’s hari raya entry and you will find this same old story. Now here I am, retelling the same story again. It’s just that this memory will never fade as long as I live. I might tell the same story again the same time next year’s Raya, I’m just cherishing my memories of her, with prayers in rememberance.

When Ayu came into my life, she may looked like Late Amy in certain angle, she may have some identical characteristics in certain ways. Perhaps that made me fell so deep for this Ayu. But as time goes by, they are not the same person, they don’t look the same and they have completely different behaviours and attitude. Apa nya orang, ada imbas saja, but they’re not the same.

Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat keatas roh Amy.

Al-Fatihah.