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The connection sucks! I hope I can publish this without problem.
Today me and Ayu made ourselves clear. We had a fruitful little chat which sort of spilled out ourselves. We agreed that we will just love each other as a friend. Well, forget about her forgetting my birthday and all, just like what my star and rainbow Eza said it’s not that important for Ayu to remember the date. Again, she highlighted that she’s engaged and I accepted that. Ayu said if only she’s not attached, maybe (yea maybe) she would have accepted me!
So yea, everything is clear now. Everything would be an entirely different story if she’s not engaged. I don’t blame her for giving me the kind of treatment I’ve been getting, after all she has her own reasons for it. The reason which is not a new thing actually. A reason I’ve been ignoring and instead letting myself submit to my own heart, feelings and greed. Now I feel relieved, of course there’s a bit of disappointment, but I am relieved, like inhaling a deep wave of fresh air. At least I know her true feelings and she knows mine, with that thin red line re-painted between both of us.
Since she’s out of the office most of the day, I left a CD with just two songs in it. ‘Ada Cinta’ and ‘Cinta’, our so-called theme song, the CD scribed with her photo on it, taken from that poisonous photo of us, except I removed my face. Yea this is gonna make you roll your eyes in disgust. But yea, at least something for her to remember me by. I need to go on hiatus now.. from her, and maybe from everything else, I just need time on my very own now, to find out my true purpose in life. Just me and my own things, to get over this feelings. I will move on of course, but to look for someone new, not at the time being.
Just another thing, Ayu asked me why do I love her. I said because she’s a sweet, nice, lovely and loveable. Then she said,
“Bukan pasal I look like Late Amy kan?”
Of course I denied, Amy and Ayu are different persons and stories.
“Amy was my good friend, you are both different person. Me sayang Ayu for who you are, not because you look like her or anybody else.”
“Ehehe, Ok so sweet!” I hope she’s convinced.
The question now is where in the hell did she found out of my story and Late Amy? I know that she knew she looked like Amy but then I never ever told her about my story with Late Amy. Furthermore, she never met Amy in person. I asked her why did she asked but she said nothing and asked me not to worry. I have a feeling there must be a leak somewhere here, I’m sure it’s not from this blog and I’m gonna find out.
29th August 2007, 1145am
Ayu: Hi :s (confused smile emoticon)
Ayu: ?
Ayu: :’( (crying emoticon)
Me: 
Ayu: Marah kah?
Me: Nope
Me: Sad saja
Ayu: Sorry bah :s
Me: It’s ok
Me: Inda apa lah Ayu, I know where I stand.
Ayu: Inda lah, me busy that day, that’s why I didn’t remember. Inda me sengaja bah :s
Me: It’s ok
Me: I understand.
Silence. She logged off soon after.
A very loyal reader and my pengkritik tetap has sweetly and kindly made something in tribute to my stories. Frankly, I didn’t expect my story and writings can touch so many hearts. Herewith, I express my heartfelt gratitude and thank you to all my readers for all their support and comments. I know some are addicted to my posts, but I hope no one out there got to the extend of being obsessed! Hehe. Really, you guys woke me up when I dozed off, you guys brought me back on track when I went astray.
I will try my best to keep this blog alive, if something should happen to me one day, or if I should quit blogging, I will get somebody to operate this blog with his/her own story of love. It might be a whole new different story but no matter what, it will be a story of pure love, to continue the legacy of Cintaislove and as a message to everyone that women and men, everyone, are meant to be loved.
So here we are, the first issue of “Cintaislove Magazine”, click here.
Monday 27th August 2007
07.30 am
I left a note on Ayu’s desk saying:
You forgot my birthday!
Your “friend”
-Z-
Outcome?
1135am, she called my handphone. My hands were trembling, I felt a sudden cold shudder all over me, my sight turned hazy, I felt like crying but the tears won’t fall. God knows how much I really miss her, God knows how much I really want to hear her soft voice. I stared at my handphone, her name on the screen. Two buttons on the bottom, Answer on the left, Reject on the right. She must have read the note on her desk and there she was, calling my handphone, perhaps to say sorry for missing my birthday. I really love to talk to her and hear what she has got to say. But then, I am only someone insignificant for her, someone easily forgotten by someone who claimed to be my “lover” and “close friend”.
Hence, I pressed Reject.
I know I am childish and mean for rejecting her call, just because she didn’t remember my birthday. But heck, I’ll keep on repeating this, after all I’ve been through with Ayu, all the sugar coated words we’ve exchanged and the chemistry between us, the so-called ’secret love’ or whatever you want to call it, yes I do expect her to remember! So that I know how special I am to her, i.e. if she treats me as one, or at least, AT LEAST, as she said, “close friend”. Yes it does matters if she forgets. I won’t make such a fuss if the others forgets, Eza, Cute Little Hana, or even my buddy Amal. It’s not that I don’t care about them, I do care about them, but then I would understand and accept it if they ever forget coz I know our borderline. So why all this fuss? Just try on my shoes.
I don’t want to be mean, I don’t want to hurt her either, even if she left me bruised and battered. Really, I never ever want to hurt her feelings, not even a scratch, no matter what she did to me. I just want to let her know how it feels to be forgotten.
12.12pm, a beep beep on my handphone, 1 message received. It was from Ayu..
“A’kum, sorryy.. me lupa bah that day, sorryyyy berabis. Happy belated birthday to you. Jgn tah reject my call. Anyway hope you happy-happy always and all your dreams come true. Bah bye..”
Very good excuse. Lupa! It’s confirmed and affirmed. She had forgotten my birthday which means she had forgotten me. Ok, I know who I am to her and where I am seated in her heart. Lupa! Enough said. Happy-happy always? If only she know the pain and anguish I am feeling right now, all the sufferings which I started and inflicted upon myself. Everyday, in front of my friends and colleagues, I still smile, I still laugh. But it was only a mask that I am wearing. All your dreams come true? Hmm my dreams are now shattered, for me dreams will always be dreams.
I didn’t reply her text. I choose to stay silent, my words might hurt her if I ever say a word, as you know I never want to hurt her so I’ll stay silent. And she never followed-up until the time of this writing.
I spent almost the whole day today at the beach with some friends. It’s been ages we didn’t spend crazy times together just like those days when we were younger. Looking back 12-15 years ago when I first knew them, our moments would be filled with laughters and pranks. And today when we met, that old same chemistry never changed except maybe our wildness toned down a bit compared to those days. These guys are my friends forever, and I really mean forever.
We were at the beach since 7 in the morning until sunset, I was kinda sleepy after a late night chat with Cute Little Hana. But I turned hyper when they bought me a birthday cake and we ended up splattering whipped cream on each other’s faces before dipping ourselves in the nice cool sea water. I’m burnt, my face and body all stinging and I’m gonna peel like a snake in the days to come. But hell, it was fun, I totally forgot about my sorrow, wish my days could be like this every minute every second. Life with no sorrow, nothing but pure happiness. But I know that kind of life only exists in paradise.
Now I’m back home, my face and shoulders torched, I look like a barbequed prawn, red and orange all over, but I think that should give a nice tan to my generously fair skin. I still can smell salt water on me despite showering myself with lotions. Courtesy of the crazy time I had earlier. I’m tired, I’m gonna shut down once I hit the pillow later, but then.. as I’m writing this.. I’m missing her.
My birthday has come and gone. I’m a year older and I hope a year wiser, we will never stop learning and discovering new things no matter how mature we think we are. At this age, I am yet to find the true meaning of life, do better things for my own good and stuff. My youth has been wasted, when I was younger I thought life was all about having fun, they say enjoy life to it’s fullest. But when I reach a certain point, I came to realise that there are better meanings in life. Career, future, love. I hope and pray, life will be better to me and for all those who are so dear to me.
Thank you everyone. The first cake from my family, a cute little cake with one candle, as cute as Cute Little Hana, haha apakan! But yea, I’m not expecting a 2lbs cake, after all who’s gonna eat it, except maybe my sis who’s a sucker for chocolates and cakes. It’s the thought that matters. Second, it was a sweet long text message from my buddy Amal, the very first text greeting exactly at midnight. So sweet of her, she’s my one true buddy, my everything. Although we hardly see each other nowadays but her buddyship is what I will always cherish until the end of time.
Then for the rest of the day, endless text messages, greetings, food, emails, gifts from my dearest friends and colleagues. Man, I know I gained weight on my birthday, nevermind, I can diet later. For all of you who remembered the birthday of a simple guy, thank you everyone! You people are stars! You’re the best, you guys made me an extremely happy chap and I love you all!
Just one thing which made my day sort of incomplete. I didn’t hear anything from Ayu, which means she forgot my birthday. I remember during the long distance call, she was like anticipating my birthday coz she told me she will be back in Brunei before it.
In fact I asked her, “Ingat kan?”
“Awu eh mestilah ingat.” she replied.
Unfortunately she didn’t. I might sound desperate here, but it’s not that I’m expecting anything from her, but then again, after all we’ve been through, I do expect her to remember, at least a speck of thought if she really treats me as a “close friend”. Her text, at least, was what I’ve been waiting for the whole 24 hours.
“Close friend”! I was told that birthdays are the best time to filter out those who you can really call a friend and a “friend”. My friend said a REAL friend never forgets a friend’s birthday. Well, I don’t expect all my friends to remember though! Everyone has got their own things in their heads. And I’m not gonna filter my friends just because of my birthday, coz it sounded so mean isn’t it? But of course I do expect a handful of them to remember, those who I think are so close to me. Yes they did, so wonderful of them. Unfortunately some didn’t, or perhaps they chose not to, Ayu, my “close friend”.
So yea, a fragment of sadness on my happy day. I can confirm how insignificant I am to her. I don’t know what her excuse will be, but I don’t think I’m going to accept it, unless if she come up with something big to make it up, something that can get me off my feet, but I seriously doubt it.
This is not my first time having something going on with someone else’s fiance. I was involved with a girl named Ina some time ago but it wasn’t as bad as how I feel for Ayu. There were some lovey-dovey feelings going on but I knew it was going to be shortlived. It was a sweet but short fling of 3 months, coz she was getting married. We agreed to put the feelings aside and remain friends, so-called ‘friends are forever’, it upsets me it didn’t happen as we mutually agreed.
Ina only needed me when she really needed me, well, friendship doesn’t work this way. Got one time, she was having a ‘cold war’ with her then-fiancee, she turned to me. As a friend, I don’t mind being a shoulder to cry on, so yea. I was there for her, comforting her and made her happy by all means necessary. Then the ‘cold war’ ended so she told me about it and said “thank you for being with me the past week”
Hmm that’s it? I thought. Since then, she’s gone, I heard nothing from her, whatever happened to the so called ‘friendship forever’! A week before her wedding, she left me a message on MSN saying, “I will always sayang you!” and then gone again up to today. The last I heard, she’s pregnant now.
Friendship forever? I guess this only apply to a handful few of my friends, a very handful few whom I had known for over 12 years. The rest, they come and go!
Move on and give it a try? Well, I might consider it, in fact I must consider it. A reader has kindly shared her story which is almost identical as mine, except the difference is that she and her man are not engaged. But the love and commitment towards her boyfriend is just like the way Ayu feel for her fiance. The second guy, realising about the slim chances to be with her decided to end everything for their own happiness. I’m sure, sooner or later, I will go through this phase for my own good. I will let her go for sure, but that does not mean I will not love her, there will be fragments of the feelings which I know would not be fair for a new woman in my life.
Ayu came back yesterday. Sneaked out of work just to see her at the airport as promised during the phone conversation. Haggard and tired after a long journey, she still managed to give me a smile which sent me to heaven. Women really have a way to weaken men! We talked for a while, not long, perhaps 10 minutes coz her mum was already waiting. Nothing but a friendly quick talk. 10 minutes, even 1 second with her is a moment I cherish. I feel like grabbing both her hands and kiss them softly, but it was too public and her mum might see. Furthermore, I am well aware that I’m not supposed to do that.
I won’t say much, it’s been a long day. Good night!
I was quite surprised to find out that some of my loyal readers openly admitted that they fell in love with me. My oh my! I didn’t expect my writings here could melt some hearts, this blog is meant to share my innermost feelings and thoughts about women in general, and particularly Ayu. Also what I am doing to Ayu or any other woman is just what I thought I am supposed to do being a man. Not that I want to get attention or to attract women, I was just getting things off my chest. Apa nya orang, daily ramblings!
But then, if someone should fell in love with me, or shall I say at this point, in love with my writings, I guess I don’t have the power to stop them. At first I thought she was just joking, but it seems that she is really serious about it. However this is a confession through the internet where it is full of possibilities. Nobody knows me in person, except of course a handful of very close and trusted associates. They know who they are, none other than my star and rainbow Eza, my Cute Little Hana who is like a dear little sister to me, Niza, and 3 other trusted friends. I have firmly decided that it will stay like this.
I don’t mean to break any hearts, as much I don’t want my heart to be broken. I don’t want to see women cry in sorrow, as much as I don’t want to be sad. I know this is bound to happen, in love, one way or the other, there will be broken hearts. I know now that broken hearts are part of the game, as in my case it is on my side, always on my side. I know I should move on and broaden my horizon but at this stage I just need more air to breathe. For those who love, I really don’t mean to break your heart, I really don’t. I’ve shattered some hearts before and it’s happening to me now. I believe in karma, what you do, you get in return. The Divine justice of God will be served. I will always value and appreciate the sincere love you have, and if I should wipe the tears off a women, I would! For a woman with a love so pure, you deserve better. Women are meant to be loved, but I have come to learn that being in love does not mean you can be together.
My Saturday night was kinda dull, it’s been a long time I didn’t spend heavy weekends. I was never home on Saturday nights, 11pm still a young time for me, only to come home at dawn and slept the whole Sunday. I think I’m getting too old for night life, not that I’m saying I’m old though. Heheh! I still have the same crazy circle of friends but they themselves seems to slow down lately. I guess everyone is settling down leaving me as the last man standing! Hahaha!
Back to last night, I didn’t go out much except I went to Eza’s place to send over some stuff I bought for her. Wanted to drop by Cute Little Hana’s place but she was out enjoying her Saturday night. Hehe a young girl like her ought to enjoy life to it’s fullest. Been there, done that! After that, not knowing where else to go, I went straight home. Seems like I don’t have a life yea, but there’s nothing else more enjoyable than spending my Saturday night quietly within the confines of my cozy little room, watching DVD till I fell asleep. After all what else is there to do in Brunei except dining out and movies?
Ayu will be back tomorrow, here I am blogging about her again! Glad that she could make it home before my birthday. I know she remember my birthday coz she told me during that long distance call she’ll be around. Let’s just see if she really remembers. If only I could spend my birthday with her, but I know I can’t coz her fiance will be around. But a simple text greeting from her would be the sweetest birthday present I will ever receive!
Ok here’s the reply for the wonderful comments in my previous post. Thanks everyone.
Touch-me-not, of course I really want her to be mine, having her by my side for the rest of my life, only God knows, but by looking at our current situation, we just cannot! I don’t want to take her away from her fiance, as you said she will be a baddy to the community and I don’t want that to happen. I know I’m just someone in the sidelines, yes perhaps she didn’t have her fiance to talk to so yea, she called me. Heartless it may seem but I think she has her own reason and I don’t blame her. Owh…an A+ for your writing hehehe… (correction.. A+++)
Waalaikumsalam Man 2.0, dude, you’re my 1st male commentaror, good to have a fellow soldier sharing thoughts from our very own perspective. you are absolutely right brother, this is my 2nd encounter with someone’s fiance, too bad huh? although the 1st time wasn’t as bad as this coz I wasn’t really in so deep last time. but yea, the game plan seems identical, the previous girl only came to me when she had a cold war with her fiance. And when they patched things up, she just said “thanks for being with me for the past few days”. I was like, what? that’s it? and she’s gone, nothing else heard since then. You are right dude, I’m easily manipulated and used just because she knows I’m always there for her whenever she needs me. They say men are playas, now I’m beginning to think who’s the real playa here!
Dude, in fact I’ve already managed to ease down my feelings for her few weeks back, keeping myself busy and all. Cute Little Hana was happy about it, Eza was happy about it, my loyal readers were happy about it. It’s hard yea but I know that’s the best thing for me to do, or shall I say a must thing to do. But then, the poisonous pic, the long distant call, it sent me back to the bottomless pit of confusion of hopes. Again, I made Cute Little Hana and the others worried, I let you all down. But after reading your comments, I have to agree with you 200%, you are not exaggerating, you stated the facts. Yes I will talk to Ayu one day, I just want things to be clear. And to find someone new, moving on, I should be doing that, I’ll just need some time on that. By the way, an A+++ for your essay 
Hi Miss M, the risk of being hurt, I knew that all along, and yes it’s up to me, entirely, if I am willing to take that risk. Daringly, I took it, but somehow being daring does not mean one is clever! Especially when I already know the outcome is disappointment on my side. An A+ plus for you.
Yes I did slept well last night, sound and peaceful. I felt so close to her, as if she was beside me, in my arms, close to each other, so close we could clearly hear each other breathe, smell her soft sweetness, her hair brushing against my face. Nothing kinky ah!! Of course, I was just dreaming, a mere imagination full of hope from a hopeless emo guy.
No news from Ayu today, I just sent her a good morning text at the time when I know she just got up but I didn’t expect her to reply. Yesterday I asked when when she’s gonna call me again, she said she won’t coz she need to save money for some quick shopping. Hehe. Women and their retail theraphy, Ayu is not excluded. Unlike me who prefers sight-seeing, adventure and night life.
I’ve been asking my lady friends, just to see from a woman’s perspective, if Ayu really loves me from her heart, not just by saying the three words like she always did on MSN. I got different views, some said yes she does, otherwise why the hell would she call me from 9323kms away and 7 hours behind us, perhaps sacrifying few euros just to talk to me. Some said she just enjoyed my attention, all the sugar coated words from me and my tender treatment. Yea I do treat her like a new-born baby, with tender, love and care. Maybe one day I should sit down with her and talk about us just to make things crystal clear for the both of us. She knows very well how I feel for her, but Ayu, I never know how EXACTLY she feel for me. Yes she did SAY she loves me but she didn’t really SHOW it to me, and this is what I really want her to do, at least I’m happy even if we were not meant to be together.
Well all the opinion I hear today could be true. Ladies, I need more feedback from your point of view as a woman. But all in all, whatever it is, I know I should be keeping my hopes low. It’s that one major reason why I cannot and should not be with her, I know and you all know.
I don’t usually believe in horoscope, fengshui, predictions and stuff like that, but my predictions for today sounds like : You get good news from abroad or from far away. A good chance for a promotion and popularity gets high. A good day to travel and to socialise.
And guess what, I was preparing for a meeting this afternoon when my phone rang. No number! Usually I would ignore any unknown number but somehow my instinct made me pick up. When I hear the voice of the caller, my hands trembled, cold, I feel like I”m floating like a hot air balloon, I feel so light that I want to jump up the ceiling. It was Ayu, calling all the way from Europe. I don’t know what’s her angin but yea, she called! It was 8am in Europe, she just finished her shower and thought of calling me. We talked for 40 minutes and if it wasn’t because of that bloody meeting, we could have talked longer.
Man, she’s gonna have a phonebill to settle now. We talked, we joked, when she asked me how am I doing, I couldn’t help saying “I’m fine, except I miss you!”. She chuckled. We talked about a lot of things, about work, about how her boss is giving her a hard time with all the work she had to do, about what she eats up there, how expensive things are, etc. etc. She went to the places that I went during my trip there last month, dined at the place I dined and stayed at the hotel I stayed. All this is weakening me, not to mention how this is confusing me, especially when I don’t know her true feelings for me. I know she won’t tell if I asked coz she’s a very shy person, but all the things she did is really putting me in a dilemma.
I’m gonna sleep well tonight, but I know I shouldn’t be keeping high hopes. I told my star and rainbow Eza about the call, and also Cute Little Hana. She was shocked, it was all a sudden, 40 minutes is not a short call, it could have been over an hour if my boss didn’t call for a meeting. Cute Little Hana is worried, I know she never liked to see me down. Ayu might be okay in a minute and the next she might act like I never existed. And she’s right, I should not hope too much and I should be prepared for whatever happens next. Let’s just wait and see.
I really got things boiling with my decision to take Ayu for a holiday didn’t I? Kekekeke… Oh well, how I wish, I would really really really love to make it happen. Imagine me and her on our dream holiday, just the two of us together. 72 hours having her beside me, hand in hand, not a single second apart. And I’ll never let her go from my arms, I will take care of her, make her happy, make her smile and laugh, not even a mosquito should harm her.
Of course I will return home with 1001 fond memories, memories I will never forget till my last breathe. But only to realise she’s not meant for me till the end, back to reality that she’s not mine. Cute Little Hana and my other friends will look at me in a different way, another stupid, indecisive guy who spent thousands just for a holiday with someone he shouldn’t be with. I know I don’t have to go overseas just to be with her aight? I know Cute Little Hana is so worried about me and my situation, I don’t want her to feel depressed about me, she’s got enough stuff to worry about already.
So don’t worry people, I’m still in my senses and I still have faith, no matter how extreme my love for Ayu is. Love is so powerful, people die for love, people kill for love, people go insane just because of love. So powerful that one will die for just 1 minute with the one they love. But I think I still realise the facts although it’s damn hard for me to get over her.
I just need my friends to keep me sane, my friends who really cares! And when I doze off, somebody nudge me will ya? And oh, what if we were coincidentally sent for a business trip together? Just a thought, knowing we’re both in the same line of work. 
My feelings for Ayu has become an obsession. I can’t seem to let loose this stupid feelings and this worries Cute Little Hana. If love should become a disease, I’d be in a critical phase by now, wired to life support machines with my death certificate readily signed. Or if I’m a machine, I’m beyond economical repair. She’ll be back next week and I have decided to wait for her when she arrives, by hook or by crook, I will be there! I don’t know why, I was okay last week, but now all of a sudden, this feelings just gets stronger, stronger and stronger. Even in my sleep, I can feel her beside me, only to wake up to find a cheap bolster instead!
And I have this crazy plan of taking her for a holiday overseas probably to Australia. I know I’ll spend thousands on the airfare alone. I’m still contemplating though. We did planned to go on a trip together, we talked about it, well that was before we ‘fell in love’. It’d be a great trip, just me and her. When I told Cute Little Hana about this crazy plan, well yea, she sounded upset and worried. Yes it is the craziest plan I’ve ever made in my God damn life. If I should execute it, of course I’ll be the happiest man alive and at the same time, the stupidest man in the universe!
I’m sick right?
My dearest Ayu
How do I describe this feeling? Pure ecstacy, blissful, serene. Like floating away to another plain with you. Far away where we are alone, just the two of us in heaven.
Giving so much one to another, away from what keeps us apart where we become as one. Holding on to our beautiful dream, just the two of us forsaking all others.
Wrapped in our love together, swaying with the rhythm of life. Grasping what we can’t have, pretending that it’s ours alone, no bother from outside forces.
Alone, just you and I forever.
But in reality we must come back, back to our senses and reality. Back to a world we wish to escape, awakened to the truth of what’s right, what’s wrong, and what is not ours.
p/s. Of course Ayu won’t be reading this blog but hey, I thought I’d just write it. No matter how obsessed I am for her, how I crave for her love, how I miss the smell of her perfume, in the end it’s only a dream in broad daylight.
Love is a sweet wonder..
yet it can hurt..
like holding three red roses with thorns..
smell sweet but my hand bleeds..
It’s a wonder..
loving someone I really care..
every tiny minute spent together..
how I wish time stops right there..
Being apart drives me crazy..
how I wish love never existed..
but love is so coloured with purity..
otherwise God would not have created..
Hmm I’m not good in writing poems, if it can really be called a poem that is! I don’t even know if it rhymes or not, this is just something Eza, the star and the rainbow, suggested me to do the other day
When I woke up this morning, I was terribly missing Ayu, berabis! to the MAX! It made me so restless and I need to spill this stupid feelings out of my chest. I don’t know who to tell, no one was around. I can’t tell Amal about it coz she’ll be furious, in fact she will knock my head with a hammer if she’s in front of me. Cute Little Hana is out of the country. Holiday! Hence I spilled it all to Eza, the star and the rainbow. I asked her if I should go and send Ayu off at the airport and Eza said I better don’t. For a moment Eza has got a point, I shouldn’t be showing my desperation to Ayu. But I terribly missed her, it’s like I can’t breathe without seeing her just like a dying fish gasping and writhing for air. So I decided, I gotta see her, as a friend! Like I said, one way or the other, it’s not good for me. By not seeing her, I’ll suffocate. By seeing her, the feelings might get stronger, this feelings for someone who is beyond my reach!
So yea, I texted her and asked if we can meet up at the airport. She said yes she’s OK with it as long as I’m OK too. Of course I am always OK when it comes to her! I kept telling myself, this meeting will be purely a friendly meeting, no kissing hands and all! No sugar coated words, etc. And yea, it was just as I planned, although deep inside my heart I feel like falling on my knees and shower her with all the love words on this blessed life. I really want to gently kiss her sweet hands and her forehead and whisper ‘I love you’ into her ears. But I got to remember, she belongs to someone else, she’s engaged to someone else! No matter how hard I tried, I will never ever be with her.
So we just talked like a friend, catching up on things and how are we doing. Gave her the copy of that ‘poisonous photo’ of me and her and asked her to keep it well. She asked me when am I going to take her to watch Love Is Cinta as I planned before. I just laughed! I know by the time she returns, the movie will no longer be showing. In fact I don’t think it’s showing anymore. Then we said goodbye. I’m relieved from my suffocation, and I’m glad I could restrain myself. No sweety candies, no I love yous, no hand kissing. Nothing more than a friendly meeting just they way things are supposed to be.
I know I’m not supposed to see her off just like Eza suggested. I texted Eza about what I did and she didn’t reply. I think she’s upset at me, first I asked her opinion and in the end I didn’t take it into account, although I know Eza said everything is up to me. I know it’s upsetting, maybe she will go ‘ahh malas ku melayan this guy, inda jua pandai mendangar cakap’ hehehe! I’m sorry Eza, you’ll always be my star and rainbow!
New header image! Hehe, I’m no good in graphics and all, but yea I thought I’ll just upload it. Somehow I think the image lack some mood and feelings unlike the previous header with that misty look over the bridge. Oh well, I gotta try it out again. A friend has kindly contributed me the greeny road to nowhere backdrop. I know this is just a temporary header folks, I’m going to change it again soon. I just need to brush up my graphic skills.
Love is like that trick little birthday candle. You light it up, you blow it, then it lights up again. I guess this is how I’m feeling right now. The more I’m trying to forget Ayu, the more I think of her, especially when I see the photo of me and her which my friend sent me. It’s a sweet pic, our heads sort of in contact with each other and Ayu in the ‘almost-hugging-me’ position. Of course she didn’t and can’t hug me, it was during that office event we had weeks ago. Such a poisonous picture yea! I have to admit that I miss her and she still holds some fragments of my heart. A friend told me, I need to find someone new quickly so I can get over Ayu, she’s right. I must and I will but I don’t know if that’s going to be that easy. This is depressing myself, a stupidity which inflicted pain upon myself. And to find someone new to love, hmm maybe, but who?
Ayu will be off to Europe tomorrow to finish off the work I did last month. I thought of sending her off but I’m still contemplating if I should do that or not. One way or another, it will hurt me. God! I need an angel to rescue me from this pit.
I really miss her!
I read this somewhere today, I think it was from an email somewhere, I can’t really remember.
Reasons to love a woman:
You can feel her care in a form of a sister..
You can feel her warmth in a form of a friend..
You can feel her passion in a form of a beloved..
You can feel her dedication in a form of a wife..
You can feel her divinity in a form of a mother..
You can feel her blessings in a form of a grandmother..
Yet she is so tough too..
Her heart is so tender..
So naughty..
So charming..
So sharing..
So melodious..
She is a woman..
She is life..
Respect her!
Anyway, a fellow blogger said this about me: “in pursuit oF onE of hiS LoyaL reaDers. It doEs sEem though, that oNe parTicuLar Reader who shaLL remain naMeLesS here makes the perfect candidate..”
Hmm does it seems like it? And if it is true, who could this perfect candidate be? Heheh… Let the guessing game begins!
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