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Ayu messaged me on MSN while I was out to lunch, just a ‘Hello’ and then another ‘Hello?’. Of course I didn’t reply, just the way she never replied my texts yesterday and Sunday. Unintentional revenge eih? Heheh! Revenge is sweet, although deep inside my heart I’m longing to talk with her, but I must move on. Eza said how am I going to move on when I keep thinking about her. Eza is absolutely right!
Later in the afternoon when everyone left, I dropped Ayu and envelope containing her photos during the corporate event few weeks back, plus a short-but-sharp note saying “All the best in your future!”, thanks to my friend Niza for the suggestion. Eza suggested to add a little sarcasm like “Tahniah! Semoga bahagia!”. Haha good one Eza! Anyway I opted for the former.
Back home, I took a short nap after Maghrib, a very bad habit of mine, I know. Sleeping at dusk! I was awaken by my MSN chime, it was Ayu. Curious, I decided to talk to her like a cold meat, replying with short words and lots of letter ‘K’s. She said sorry for not replying my texts as she was busy and had forgotten to reply. Just enough to remind me how insignificant I am in her life. Perhaps realising my ‘temperature’ she quickly left with a ‘take care and mwahz’.
I’ve been ignoring her MSN today. I’ve left her a short-but-sharp note in her mailbox today. I’ve been very cold. I’ve been avoiding her. But only God knows how much I miss her.
Can you imagine on a hot day like today, I was shivering and all wrapped up like a penguin? Despite my health condition getting worse, I still drag myself to work. I can’t stay home if I’m sick or else it will make me even more sick just by staying indoors and glued to my bed. Ain’t that bad at work though, I still managed to pull off the usual pranks and jokes with my colleagues, except some of them noticed I looked pale. My body was cold as a corpse in broad daylight. I didn’t eat much except few bites of junk food, sweet stuff and crackers, in fact I didn’t have any appetite to eat. They were plenty of delicious food during breakfast but none of them appealed me.
Tonight was supposed to be the Love Is Cinta movie date with the beautiful Eza. Yes, Eza was the one I chose to watch the movie with me, the winner of the grand draw! Heheh. But unfortunately she could not make it, so I guess I won’t be watching Love Is Cinta at all now. Furthermore I was told Wednesday would be the last day so yea, I’ll just let it slip away peacefully. I can still take somebody else if I want but I have decided not to, although I know there are some people who are dying to watch it with me. I’m not bragging here hehe, but it’s true. The winner of the grand draw is Eza and the winner she will always be.
Ayu has gone ‘missing’ again. She didn’t respond to my missed calls and texts since yesterday. Oh well, I’ll just let her be. There’s something I need to do at work tomorrow which might get me having to see her, I think I’ll just get somebody else to do it. She’ll just have to leave the Top-10 Cintaislove Chart and leave the top spot vacant!
A ‘nasty-but-somehow-true’ comment was made in my previous post by a fellow man said I’ve been TOO NICE to women. Hence they enjoyed the pleasure of playing with my heart. Hmm maybe right. Another comment I’ve read before stated that by showing my love to a woman, I’m giving her the privilege to break my heart. Hmm again maybe right. But then, I’m just doing what I am supposed to do as a man and as a human being.
Yes I am sick again, hope I’ll be better tomorrow. Remember Ayu asked me out yesterday? I’ve been trying to contact her since last night, texts and missed calls, but up to now no return call or whatsoever. I guess she’s not really serious about it after all.
Anyway, check out this new Samsons song, click here. DJ Jenny, if you’re reading this, mind playing it for me on air? 
Thanks Jenny, you’re a star!
Back to bed!
Just when I thought everything is going to be over, it turned out otherwise. But somehow I’m beginning to get the feel of it by getting stronger, will all the support from my friends and my dear faithful readers. This morning, I got in touch with Ayu through texts. She didn’t know that I’m back in Brunei already coz she didn’t hear anything from me or caught a glimpse of me the past week. As I said in my previous posts, I’d be lying if I say I don’t miss her, and she said she miss me too. Should I buy that? Hehe…
Well I’m glad that we got through the line but I think I feel much stronger. I don’t know what will happen if I see her in person but I’ll put that on hold first. She asked me if I wanna go out with her tomorrow with her little brother, but I didn’t give a definite answer, and she didn’t ask for it too. So let’s just see what happens tomorrow although honestly I’m not really looking forward to it. I don’t mind taking her out, probably for a drink or movies, but it will be a ’strictly friendly’ outing as my friend Niza said. I see nothing wrong with it as long as I don’t spill the sugar coated candy kan? I just hope I can sustain myself if I see her face. And before I gather my courage to see her, I got to program the ‘SHE’S ENGAGED’ code into my system.
Take Ayu out for a drink or movies? Despite her return, I still stick to my decision not to watch Love Is Cinta with her and I still reserve that movie ticket for the lucky friend, i.e. if she consider herself lucky free ticket kali ah hehe.. In fact I look forward to that more. I’ll just wait for her confirmation, lagipun early planning does not always work for me. Spontaneous plan works best yea. And readers, keep on guessing !
My upcoming trip to Australia, another tight 4 days schedule. Sometimes I wonder why can’t our bosses give us another day to properly rest our butts off after the hectic program. Just like in London, shopping hours ends at 6pm and that’s the time I’ll finish work. I’m not much of a shopper but I love sight-seeing and window shopping. Now I don’t know if I’ll have time for it or at least buy some chocolates for Cute Little Hana. I know she will ask for it, in fact she expect chocolates from anyone who went abroad. Heheh!
I’m not really feeling well tonight, that’s the reason why am I here staying at home on a Saturday night, furthermore most of my friends have their own agenda tonight. Somehow I don’t feel my tummy is okay. Went to Hua Ho Bunut just to get a soda so I can have a good burp. Excuse me! hehe.. I forgot it’s payday for government servants and my God! The place was jam packed of people shopping and replenishing their household needs. It took me 20 minutes on the express queue.. yes express queue… just to pay for the soda.
I think I’m going to be sick!
Thank God it’s Friday, the week of the ice box meeting is over. My desk is now stacked with files and unorganised papers. I think I’ll just leave it as it is and sort it out on Monday. Somehow it’s good to have myself this busy yea, so that I won’t be thinking of things which I shouldn’t be thinking. At least I’m stuck in one place with less moving around, hence less chance of bumping into someone I don’t wanna see for the time being. And I’m gonna be off to Australia in 2 weeks time so I got to get my preparation kicking. At times I wonder what would happen if we’re coincidentally assigned on the same trip together!! I hope that won’t happen.
I know I’m still weak and I still need hands to grab me when I fall. You know I’d be lying if I say I don’t miss her, but I just need some distraction. Apparently, a friend told me that she’s overseas right now, I don’t know where exactly and I don’t know how true though coz I know she just got back from Australia about the same time I got back from Germany. We’re not robots to travel every week! But if she really is overseas now, I guess it’s the safest time to contact her. My hands are itchy right now, tempted to press the buttons on my handphone and send a text to her just to say hi and I miss you. But hell NO! Not now! It will be another cyanide capsule. I don’t know if I’m considered ‘egoistic’ here but I guess I have done my part, only to get a cold and insignificant respond. End of the day it hurts myself. So I think, this is just the best thing to do. Move on Zul!
I have decided who’s going to watch Love Is Cinta with me but I won’t say the name right now. I’ve asked and I’m just waiting for the confirmation whether the person wants to go or not. My instinct told me she’s a good and lovely friend who deserves the best in everything she undertake. She deserves happiness, success, love, strength and all the good things in life. Somehow my instincts are reliable although they might not be right all the time. It was my instinct that detected my ex-girlfriend’s betrayal few years back.
So readers, keep on guessing 
Another tiring day at work. I was stuck from 9am to 5pm in a chilly conference room oogling with stacks of papers and files and nothing but biscuits and free flow of coffee. Thanks to the diuretics, I kept on sneaking out for a toilet visit and leg stretches.
An uncle passed away today, blessings on him for dying peacefully on a holy Thursday morning. His journey in this crumbling world has ended, now moving on to the next life towards an eternal one. I’m beginning to think, when will be our turn? The most important question is, are we prepared? To be honest, I am not a pious Muslim and I know I can count how many times I pray in a year. I’m not doing my responsibilities to God. If the Angel of Death should come to pick me up, on that very moment, I know I would be the most regretful person. I can’t imagine how is it going to be, it’s giving me goosebumps all over. I’ve been indulging myself with the temporary pleasures of life, chasing fortunes and not to forget battering my heart with worldly love. I’ve read one of my readers commented that there is no love as grand and divine than the love for God. I guess she’s absolutely right. Bottomline, I’m not prepared at all.
I pray God to bless my uncle, and also late Amy and the departed good people I know. Sometimes when I see her photo, I still feel Amy is still alive among us. Seems like yesterday when I exchanged text messages with her, keeping in touch and stuff. Seems like yesterday when she left us so suddenly. I still remember I was at this very spot in front of my PC when Amal called me amidst her tears. There’s this Guy Sebastian song titled Make Heaven Wait, yes if only I could press rewind and go back in time just to see her face again. Coz I miss her, God knows I would trade in my life for a chance to say goodbye. I hope and pray we will be re-united one day, I long to see her smile, giggles and laughter once again.
Oh well, sooner or later, our time will come, it’s just a matter of when! We are not getting any younger eih? Hmm just one thing. If something should ever happen to me, will someone please send my love to… errm …nevermind.
A reminder to my regular readers, my blog might get boring especially when there’s no more updates on Ayu. But hey, life has to go on. I will still engrave my daily happenings in this blog and that’s gonna get boring ain’t it? I’m sure you all wouldn’t be interested to know what happened at my workplace and all. Lagipun nothing is so interesting about my work, except I’m surrounded with lovely colleagues but governed by a bunch of A-holes, running the office with personal interests in their minds. Typical scene isn’t it?
Love Is Cinta is still showing at Empire and Mall Cineplex. I still haven’t decided who’s going to watch the movie with me but I gotta make my choice soon. The movie isn’t gonna be playing forever. I do have some people in mind, but I gotta take one. It’s gonna be a once in a lifetime offer as I don’t usually offer a treat randomly like this hehe. Like I said yesterday, someone who value and appreciate love.. and friendship. Well, I’d say all of them value and appreciates, but I gotta choose one but who? Ahh I think I’m gonna go with my instinct on this one. For now, I’d leave it to you guys to guess. heheh! And oh… don’t think it’s gonna be Ayu.
Back at work. Of course I’m still hoping for at least a tiny respond or news from Ayu. When I stepped into my office, nothing in my mailbox, nothing on my desk, except stacks of papers and files waiting to make my day. Nothing from Ayu. I’m 200% sure she must have received that little note I left for her last week, now I’m 300% sure that note must be in the garbage. Perhaps it already made for Sungai Akar dumping ground by now. My heart shattered! But I’m well prepared for this. I should have known from the very beginning that our love were not meant to be. I don’t blame her for sweeping me off my feet yet I do not regret falling in love with her. Whatever happened between us, our short stint of forbidden relationship, I will always remember and cherish it as a sweetest memory. Her smile, giggles and laughter which I will never forget, just the way I always remember late Amy’s smile, giggles and laughter. Whatever she’s doing right now, I hope and pray for her happiness.
There are lots of thing we’ve been planning to do together and it’s seems like they’ll be left undone. We had plans to watch Love Is Cinta together. I don’t really watch Malay movies that much but somehow we wanted to watch this movie coz of the Ada Cinta song, a song I dedicated to her. Now I don’t think watching Love Is Cinta with Ayu is going to happen. But I guess I’ll still watch it even without her. And I’m gonna ask a lucky person to watch it with me. (If they consider themselves lucky that is.) Who? It will be someone who value and appreciate love. I haven’t decided who’s the person really, so let’s see. My treat, can’t tell which cinema though or else my readers will be camping just to catch a glimpse of me hence ruining my anonymity! Haha!
It’s 1130pm now and I’m missing Ayu terribly. Why is it when we want to forget someone, we tend to think of them more and more? I was told to think of the bad things someone did to us is the best way to forget about the person. When I broke off with my ex-girlfriend, I did just that and it worked. But Ayu, I can’t think of any bad thing she did to me. When she left me clueless like this, I don’t label that a bad thing. She’s doing it for a reason which is good for her, for both of us. On my part, I have declared my love for her and my job is done, even though it’s destroying myself. The saying was right, love is blind! I could not stand looking at my photo with her so I put it in my locker. And I don’t know if I could look into her eyes if we should bump into each other.
So this is it Ayu. Good-bye is an easy word, but it’s hard for me to say it.
I’m home at last. Another long journey, didn’t have the chance to change airlines, after all it might incur additional costs so I decided to stick with my original itinerary. Seats are worse this time, no personal TV at all and the seats are old! I heard other passengers grumbling and I thought of voicing out my piece of mind too but I was too tired for it. So I just wrapped myself in the blanket made of material which can produce static electricity, hooked on my mp3 player and enjoyed the flight like no one else’s business. I love the baked salmon though! Managed to get some sleep during the flight, more of a cat nap but it does help.
Landed Brunei this morning, unpacked my stuff and all. I didn’t have much time to browse the shops and I also couldn’t find Cute Little Hana’s make-up stuff. And her perfume, it’s cheaper in Brunei. All I bought was some chocolates for her, for my family and colleagues and a Tie Rack scarf for Eza. That was what I managed to grab, wish it was a holiday trip huh, all expenses paid! I didn’t buy anything for Ayu, not at all! I still haven’t heard from her for 6 days now, nothing at all!
I know I sounded like I’m hoping for something from her, but I guess it’s not worth the wait. Talking about being ‘close friends’, even close friends keep in touch every now and then. I still keep in touch with my guy best friends even though we see each other like once in a blue moon. I still keep in touch with my buddy Amal, sometimes having meal together. I still keep in touch with Eza, which reminds of I need to send her scarf one of these days but I know she’s kinda busy with studies now. Good for her, at least she will forget about her problems and I hope she’s not crying at night anymore. She’s just so precious to be hurt! I still keep in touch with Cute Little Hana, as always she cheers me up with our never ending day dreaming. Still the same cute little cheerful person when I dropped by her place to send her chocolates earlier. I still keep in touch with other close friends and they’re just a lot of names to mention.
Let’s just see what will happen if I bump into her at work, honestly I’m not really looking forward for that. I know if I see her, I will melt like a chocolate in a microwave oven and that’s the thing I don’t want to happen. I managed to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, but she’s still holding a little part of it, perhaps breaking it into smaller and smaller pieces. Now I’ll need a vacuum cleaner instead!
Sorry for the lack of updates here, I’ve been kinda busy lately. I’ll be back home soon so everything had to be done quickly. I’m enjoying myself here, different atmosphere, different people. I wonder what is Ayu doing right now, I have decided not to contact her for the time being. Probably I’ll avoid seeing her too, I refraining myself from giving the usual attention to her. Let’s just see what happens. There wasn’t a respond at all after I left the note on her desk before I flew last week. A friend said maybe she will leave something on my desk or mailbox but I seriously doubt it. I knew her game very well already. I think this is the best I can do to ease my feelings for her. I’m not dumping her once and for all, coz no matter what she will always be my friend and I have no reason to deny that.
Of course, I do miss her. I miss the sweet smell of her hands. I miss pinching her cute cheek, playing with her hair and her fingers. I miss her voice and her giggles. I miss chatting on MSN with her. Darn! I miss EVERYTHING about her! E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Yes she’s still holding my heart and I haven’t collected all the broken pieces yet, but gradually I will and I must. I just need to mend the broken pieces. Anyone got a good superglue?
I’ve been kinda busy with work here, good enough, some distraction from thinking of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Hahaha sounds like Lord Voldemort. No lah, yea some distraction from thinking of Ayu. I got a no-number missed call yesterday, obviously from someone in Brunei. I don’t usually get missed-calls but somehow I don’t think it’s her.
Well, no matter what I do, I’d be lying if I say I don’t miss Ayu. Sigh! It’s just a matter of making myself busy. Other than that, life has to go on, I’m kinda enjoying myself here, still keeping in touch with my family and friends back home. Eza’s been crying again, I know she can’t get over him, but I’d better make sure she won’t have eyebags the next time I see her. Cute Little Hana with her shopping list of make-up stuff, perfume and chocolates. I’ll buy her a chocolate factory if I should become a billionairre.
On my way to work yesteday, I passed by a flower vendor by the street. A typical scene here in Germany. This guy must have had hundreds of red roses for sale and I wish I could buy them all for Ayu. Heheh.. darn! I know I should be spending my money for a better cause kan?
Back to work!
Being in a faraway land does not help much. No matter what I do here, even with all the meetings and all, I can’t forget about Ayu. I don’t know why am I missing her more and more and more. Why do we always think of someone who doesn’t even care for us? On the other end of this earth, she’s probably doing the same work as I do right now. Except maybe the difference is, I’m insanely thinking of her while I think she does not. Here I am 5am in the morning, thinking of her as soon as I wake up. Had a quick chat with my sis on MSN. Also Eza left me a MSN message but she must have been away the moment I replied. It’s sunrise now, I think I’ll go find some breakfast and then get myself busy.
I’m in Heathrow, London right now, catching a flight to Germany in an hour time. I’m kinda tired, didn’t sleep well during the flight. In fact I can never sleep well on airplanes, wish I can take my own bed with me! The seats on the plane are cramped and the TV wasn’t working. 17 hours staring at a blank TV!! Can you imagine that? I guess RBA will need a lot of consideration into this, they better do! Coz I’m already considering a different airline for my return flight now.
Oh well, I’m safe here so yea, thanks to RBA for the safe journey, 2 smooth landings, nice food and excellent service. I was just unhappy on the seats and the TV. So yesterday I was the last to leave my office, dropped by Ayu’s office when I’m sure that she’s gone. And I left a little note on her desk, I know I shouldn’t be doing this coz I know it’s not getting me anywhere. Nothing fancy, I just said “my dearest, I’m off to London. Just wanna let you know that I love you, although I know you don’t love me as much as I love you. With love and care -Z-”
I don’t know if she gets my message embedded in the phrase. When I said ‘you don’t love me as much as I love you’, I meant I’m sorry I’m gonna have to leave you but I will always cherish you. I know by now she must have read the note already and it had no reaction on her. As soon as I arrived earlier, checked my phone and I didn’t get any text, acknowledgement, explaination or whatsoever from her. As expected, I’m not hoping for her to reply, being only a speck of dust in her life. I know I shouldn’t be leaving that note yesterday, I know this upsets my readers for doing things which hurts myself. I know I’ve been saying “I shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be doing that” when I still keep on doing it. My readers gonna get bored of this no? Hehe
Somebody wants to camp at the airport just to see if Ayu gonna send me off to the airport last night? Naaahh, I don’t think so, in fact she never did, not even a text from Ayu. The only bon voyage text was from Cute Little Hana, now that’s what you call a friend. My reader BeeZee suggested me to go for someone out there who might be waiting for me or sorts, and she even suggested me Cute Little Hana. Hahaha.. first of all, Cute Little Hana is my good friend, and there’s something me and her values and cherish most importantly, something called ‘friendship’. Furthermore she’s got her own complex love life and if she were to write a blog, I’m sure she’ll get more hits than mine. Haha..
Yes I will look around, but to fall in love, maybe not now. Ayu is still holding my heart and playing with it. She breaks it, that’s the only heart I’ve got. Now I’m just collecting the pieces back. I’m still bruised. I feel more comfortable and happy with friends, nothing more valuable then friendship, they deserve the best of love.
Ciao.. I hear the boarding call already
I finally decided to see her this morning, after all I’ve promised to her and I always keep my promise. I didn’t talk much, she asked me jokingly where’s her birthday present and why I didn’t leave anymore cards or notes in her mailbox. I just smiled. She’s enjoying the attention right? I asked her how is she and why I didn’t hear anything from her for the past 4 days. She’s been saving her phone credits as she’s been on the phone and texting, perhaps with him. Before I left, I told her I’m off to Germany tonight. And as always I can’t stop myself from murmuring ‘Love you’ to her, as always she just smiled. I hope this will be the last time I say those words to her, this morning was my last cyanide capsule.
Yup I’m off to Germany later for some business while Ayu will be going to Aussie again tomorrow. I thought of leaving another note in her mailbox before I go later, but I’m still contemplating on what to say. I think I’ve said it all to her and I don’t think I have anything further to say. I just want to end it, I wish I don’t have to see her anymore, but I know I can’t unless I quit my job and work some place else!
So much for loving someone when we’re just a mere dust in her heart.
My Sunday was a tiring one, it’s His Majesty The Sultan’s birthday so I got up extraordinarily early. Not that I’m involved in it, I just wanna keep myself busy that’s all. I promised to accompany a photographer friend to go downtown and snap some pictures, so while he’s at it with his bulky 5kg camera, I just strolled the city streets watching the joyous celebration. Got home around 4pm or so, after a quick nap, I did some work on my laptop and I came across my pic with Ayu from our Friday’s event. Darn! I was about to ease my feelings already. Tomorrow is Tuesday, I really don’t know if I should go and see her as promised. Really really don’t know! I’d be lying if I say I don’t miss her, but as much as possible I don’t want to suffer anymore. Of all the single ladies on Earth, why do I have to fall for someone’s fiance? Believe me, it’s no thrill!
The other night I was MSNing with Cute Little Hana. Again, I don’t want to compare between late Amy and Ayu, again, they are two different person. I just wanted Cute Little Hana to see the resemblance. It scared her, she said they really look identical, especially their smile and cheekbones. Cute Little Hana asked me if I love Ayu for being Ayu or was it just because she looks like late Amy. For once, when I first saw Ayu, I thought I saw late Amy. But as time past by, I started to love Ayu for who she is. As I said earlier, they’re both different person with different characters.
Oh one more thing. I was in Gadong yesterday when I saw something shameful to mankind. I saw in this car parked around Centrepoint area, a man was slapping his daughter who was sitting in the back seat, before delivering a fist to his wife next to him!! My God! M.E.N! What manner of earth? Wish I could get my hands on that man but then, it’s their family affair and I have no right to interfere. I can clearly see the woman can only cover her face with her hands, crying. Some men think they’re strong and superior, little that they know they’re just using a tiny part of their brain! Some think temper and physical brute is a solution! I’ll have to repeat this over and over again; women are meant to be loved, not treated as an inferior being to men!
I didn’t expect the story of my uneventful love life can be nail biting. People are in suspense on how things are going to end between me and Ayu. If things ended so soon, I know my readers will have nothing more to read hehe. But hey, love can be like a never-ending TV series, rolling season after season. It can be like a sequel, or it can be a remake, same old story with different casts. As of now, I cannot tell what’s going to happen between me and Ayu, but for all I know, the chances are slim. Very slim. You all know the main reason. She’s E.N.G.A.G.E.D. and no way on God’s green earth I’m gonna take her away from her rightful owner. I know that does not mean I cannot love her, it’s just that we can’t be together. I remember one of Rick Price’s song which said something like ‘..if you really love her, you gotta set her free, if she returns, I’ll know she’s mine..’ something like that.
Whatever happened between us might just be a one off, I hope we’ll still be good friends and have some chemistry between us, within limits of course! I haven’t heard from her since Friday and I opt not to bother her for the time being. I just don’t want her to get into confusion, just the way I’m trying to ease my feelings if not fade it away. And I don’t know if I should see her this Tuesday. Hearing the songs we used to hear is enough to make me soft and think of her more and more, can you imagine how will I feel if I were to see her face? My heart dropped when I saw the movie schedules in today’s paper. Love Is Cinta is opening next week and that’s the movie we were planning to watch together along with our friends. Now I don’t know if that will ever happen or not. I was talking about the songs from this movie that turned me soft, particularly Ada Cinta and Cinta.
Oh well, life has to go on, with or without Ayu. I know someone new might come into my life one day and then they might just go. Another remake of my movie. Friends keeps me rolling, staying alive and kicking. Friends who knows me inside and out, those who I always mention in this blog and also my regular patrons who always gives encouraging comments to me, you guys know who you are.
Last Tuesday I met Eza, a friend I seldom see. I can see some difference in her, eyebags and getting thinner. Looks like she’s been crying. I was kinda in a rush so I didn’t get the chance to talk much with her, just some quick signing of papers and all and off I go.
This morning I got the chance to chat with her on MSN. I usually don’t go popping questions asking about people’s personal life, but somehow I remembered about how she looked like during our last meeting. After all it’s nothing wrong asking how is a friend doing right? So yea I asked and yea, she’s been crying, she’s been feeling down and she lost weight. Awwww. Her grief has got something to do with her boyfriend. I didn’t ask what actually happened though, but basically it’s all about him and it must be bad.
Men! Why do they always enjoy the pleasure of making women cry? Is it a pride and glory when a man succeeded in breaking a woman’s heart? Do they feel satisfied when crystal clear droplets running down a woman’s soft cheek? I do not know what exactly Eza’s boyfriend did to her but for sure, it’s enough to put Eza in her current situation. Sad, distressed, losing weight and all. Not that I never made a girl cry before, after all I’m still a man right? But when I realised that it was me who made a woman cry, of course I’d be quick to patch things up. Men have super high ego but it’s nothing wrong to bend on our knees to make women happy right? I used to make my ex-girlfriend cry unintentionally, just some minor argument which got heated. But when I realised what I did, I’d just wipe the tears off her face and gave her a hug. For some people, sorry just seems to be the hardest word. Women are meant to be loved! In my case it’s ‘women are meant to be loved although my heart is meant to be broken’ hehe..
So Eza, whatever it is, be strong. You have friends around you to help you up when you fall down. Just the way I need my friends including you in my current situation. And I’m feeling kinda okay today, I’m glad my friends gonna keep me busy today, glad that I chat with Eza and few other friends this morning. Reading the comments from my readers makes me open up my horizon and gets me stronger. At least I can get things off my chest before I suffocate.
I’ll be spending most of my time outdoors today, at least it’ll make me think less of Ayu. But when I go home later tonight, when I lay my head on the pillow, those few minutes before I close my eyes, surely I will think of her. I wish I can just switch off my mind just like shutting down a PC.
First of all, I just wanna clarify that I am not using real names in this blog, which includes my name, just to protect our identity. I know I should have used names like Wentworth Miller as me and Jessica Alba as Ayu. Hahaha. So for those who have fiance named Ayu, you don’t have to worry yea
Ok I did not receive any news from Ayu since yesterday. Earlier today I was having tea-break with a friend when I saw Ayu approaching with 2 of her colleagues. Hmm dropping by without even telling me? She seemed surprised to see me though. She joined us, sitting next to me so I hold her little finger and whispered ‘Happy Birthday’.
Then I asked her why she didn’t reply my text and she said “Mesti kan?”
I simply told her I just wanna make sure if she received my text or not, which she did. Well, after that we talked, we joked, as always. I was kinda speechless having her beside me so I just typed ‘miss you’ on my handphone and show it to her. She just smiled. We were happily talking and chatting but still I can’t find the evidence whether she really loves me or not. I guess it was just sort of a friendly moment between me and her which I found better. After all, that’s how things are supposed to be right? Love, as a close friend. Or maybe just like whoever’s song it was called Teman Tapi Mesra. But whether or not she’s sincere, that’s up to her.
In the afternoon there was some corporate event so there we met again, again just some friendly chat like earlier. A photographer friend took a pic of us together and she looks happy in it. We ate, in fact I ate and she didn’t coz she was stuffed, even when I get some sandwiches for her. Wish I can spend more time with her when my ugly boss wants us to go back to the office. Mun faham bisai! And before I go, I can’t help holding her hands and say ‘I love you.’ Again she just smiled. There! I did it again! Then we texted, again I said ‘I love you.’ Oppsss.. I did it again! I just bit my cyanide capsule. Now she didn’t reply my ‘I love you’ text like she used to. I guess I was right, she’s just trying to get over me by avoiding my words indirectly. Hmm if she really wanna do that, I guess that’s a good move. I should do the same. In fact, from Day 1, we should be loving each other as a close friend, no more than that. It’s just me putting myself in this mess. Oh well. I’m not gonna see her till Tuesday.
Some may blame Ayu for putting me in this situation, as if she’s giving me hope and all. I’d say no! Everything happened between us was unintentional. People call it ‘fling’ perhaps. I’ll call it a ’stray bullet love’ hehe. Love can hit anyone, be it single, engaged, married or divorced. Yes love has no limits. It’s just a matter of how we control it. Of course at this stage I’m having trouble controlling it, otherwise I won’t fall in love this deep with someone’s fiance kan. And I don’t want to be like what’s becoming a trend nowadays; married men having an affair with married women, something like that. When I get married one day, I want to settle down with my family once and for all, love my wife and kids like no others. It’s just a matter of finding the right person.
The ‘custom made’ greeting card. It has reached her hands. Seems like it didn’t make much impact on her. No respond or whatsoever until I asked her if she got it or not. She just said thanks and she forgot to tell me about it yesterday.
I’m just a dust in her heart, an insignificant part in her life, a cameo appearance in her movie.
It’s 11pm now and I haven’t heard from Ayu at all. She must be busy celebrating her birthday with her family and of course, undoubtedly ‘him’. I might just be stowed at a very far corner of her heart right now. Well, at least I’ve done my part to wish her happy birthday this morning. I just hope ‘him’ wasn’t there when she read my text. I purposely sent a plain and simple greetings to her so that she won’t get into trouble on her birthday. I know I’ve cost her lot of trouble already, not to mention the confusion we inflicted upon ourselves. If she wanted to avoid me now, I think I understand why, just the way I’d prefer not to see her so I can get over her. But no matter what happens, I don’t want to lose her as a friend. I told her that once, which made her happy.
I couldn’t concentrate on work today, that meeting in the morning was such a yawning stock, good that those jokers didn’t create much fuss like they always did. Back in the office, my colleague deliberately played the song Ayu by V.E. on her PC and then gave me that kinda mocking look. Hehe my colleagues are teasers big time, but yea, that’s what made us survive an office full of politics and favouritism. Anyway, yes it’s a sweet song
A friend of mine, Niza, asked me if Ayu knows about this blog. Answer is no. She doesn’t surf internet that much, she only use her handphone to chat on MSN and as of late, I haven’t seen her online. Worst case is her blocking me. Hehe see I’m always having negative thoughts, but it helps me prepare for the worst possibilities. Niza suggested me to let Ayu know about this blog, coz she said if a guy ever wrote something like this about her, she’ll go speechless, touched, melt, etc, etc, hard to explain. So I promised Niza, if one day things should go wrong between me and Ayu, the last thing I will tell her to do is to read this blog. Whatever her reaction, that’s entirely up to her. My job will be done. I’m not hoping for things to go wrong between me and her, as I said earlier, I don’t wanna lose her as a friend. But I know, regardless, sooner or later, I will let her know all my innermost feelings for her which I express in this blog.
It’s late now, I don’t think she’s gonna reply my text, I’m not hoping for it. She’ll be back to work tomorrow and perhaps my custom-made card will reach her hands.
Once again, happy birthday Ayu. I love you!
When the clock struck midnight last night, I was contemplating whether or not to send Ayu a greeting text. Although Cute Little Hana persuaded me to just send it, like what the heck, it’s her birthday, so what? Well, I just don’t want Ayu to get into trouble on her birthday. Who know’s her fiance might be with her kan.
When I got up this morning, somehow I got the courage to do it, so yea I did sent a text to her, just a simple greeting, nothing fancy. I haven’t got any acknowledgement or reply yet, I don’t expect her to respond anyway. There are more important people in her life to celebrate her birthday with. I know who I am.
Happy birthday love
Laterz… I got a meeting with some jokers in 10 minutes.
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