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One of my early MSN conversations with Ayu was about roses. We would discuss on how roses made an impact in love and relationship, the meaning of the colours and number of roses, etc. She said nobody ever gave her roses, not even her fiance. So I jokingly said that I will give her 12 roses on her birthday which will be in 10 days time. Well I don’t know if that will be possible though. First, I might not see her on her birthday as I am sure she will be with her fiance, I can’t even text her as I know her fiance will ask her lots and lots of questions. So for Ayu’s sake, I don’t text her unless she started. Secondly, I don’t know how I am going to deliver the roses to her. Of course I can’t give it to her at work as it will raise suspicions amongst people especially her family.
Oh well, I’ll figure out how. For the time being, I’ll just leave a greeting card in her mailbox. A greeting card which I made myself, using my DSLR camera and a lighter with that little blue laser light. Locked myself in a dark room, open the camera shutter for 15 seconds or so, then wrote “AYU” and a heart shape with the laser light. Ahh just some simple photography technique and there, a black image written her name and a heart shape in bright blue. Let’s just wait and see how she respond to it on her birthday.
I have not heard from Ayu today, it’s Saturday so yea, maybe she’s spending time with him. As for me, I started the day with breakfast, then chatted with my cute little friend Hana who cheered me up with our never ending dream of being a millionairre. Driving Bentleys, Rolls Royce, me flying choppers to work and she in a pink private jet and disembarking like Fergie. Then I spent the rest of my day outdoors, watching Transformers and went to a wedding in the evening. I can’t stand staying home coz it’ll make me think of Ayu more and more while I don’t know if she’s thinking of me despite her saying she loves me and all. Saying I love you is as easy as ABC, but to really mean it, it’s kinda hard. Now I’m home after more than 12 hours outside, thoughts of Ayu came haunting me again, hence the updating of this blog. I’m tired but I’m sure those few minutes before I close my eyes later, I will think of her more.
Back to the roses, everytime we ended our MSN conversations, I would give her the rose emoticons. I guess it all started when on one session, I gave her 3 roses and said “There, 3 roses for you, on your birthday will be 12″ She said, “So sweet, why not bagi saja 12 awal ani?” I replied, “12 means ‘happy birthday’, 3 roses means ’sayang you’. I didn’t expect her to reply what she replied, but yea, she replied ’sayang you too!’ Silly yea! It was just an MSN chat, but hey, that was how it all started between me and Ayu.
Good night!
I know my relationship with Ayu is very complicated. I know I’m sharing her love with others; her fiance and her ex-boyfriend who she still loves. Somehow I feel I get an insignificant treatment from her. I know, sooner or later, I will lose her and got myself hurt again. Maybe I should fly low and just follow the flow. If she’s around, she’s around. Otherwise, it’s just another day for me. And when she’s around, I guess that’s the moment to cherish and make full use of.
I met Ayu on her return from Aussie this evening. Her colleague was smiling and teasing us all along. Before she left, she even said “Ok I balik dulu, inda mau kacau you two!” Hehe see, she knew that me and Ayu has got something going on. Ayu would just keep quiet and smile. I asked her if her colleague knew or asked anything, again Ayu didn’t say a definite answer, but she said her colleague will understand.
Before Ayu left, as always I said “I love you” to her. She just smiled, again she did not reply. I said “Aii inda kena balas”. She just gave me that look, gesturing with her facial expression that there were many people around. Ahh as if people would listen. That’s the point where somehow I felt my presence in her life isn’t that significant after all. I know I’m selfish, but then again, I know where I stand. My name occupies only a small corner of her heart, and I must learn to accept that fact. And owhh.. didn’t had the chance to kiss her sweet hands again..ehehe, coz there were lots of people.
This is not the first time I’m having an affair with someone’s fiance. It happened last year, I had a short affair with Ina, but now she’s married and pregnant. 2 months before her wedding, things slowed down, I managed to loosen the knot. A week before her wedding, she left a message on my MSN “I will always sayang you!” Hmm I wonder who’s face she imagined when she made love to her husband!! LOL! Oh well, I just pray for her happiness.
And now Ayu came into my life. I admit I do like her since the first time I saw her but I didn’t expect this is going to happen. So fast. I don’t know for how long this is going to last. But yes, as I said again and again, if I have the chance to be with her, I will always cherish and value the time together.
Ayu.. I love you, you may hurt me again and again, but I love you!
Thank God it’s Friday, a usual slow day at work despite the start of a hectic week on Monday. I might be off to London for a 3 days business trip sometime middle of July, wish Ayu could come with me 
Ayu will be coming back later this afternoon, can’t wait to see her later hehe.. She’ll be staying put in Brunei for the next few weeks and I hope I can see more of her. I have a feeling more and more people will find out about us, especially those who are close to us. I’m sure 2 of her close colleagues already knew, especially when one of them caught us holding hands last 2 days. Think girls talk? Boys do talk too. Of course I told my closest friends about us, people who I really trust. Bukan apa, somehow I just need to get things out of my chest yea!
Ayu doesn’t seem to care if her friends know about us though. When I asked her if her 2 friends knew, she just said “ntah ah, biar tia eh.” Hehe. If I come and see her when she return from Aussie later, her friend will be there too. If she sees me I guess that will confirm her suspicions hehe. Oh well, let them be, as long as Ayu trusted them.
That’s it for now, I’ll update later.
-Z-
p/s I miss Ayu! Hahaha yea I’m just being a soft cunt here!
Ayu left for Australia this evening for a 2 day business trip. Darn! Ayu spent most of her time overseas, it’s a hard job eih! Well we promised to date before she flew, so yea, she gave me a missed call. Actually I wanted to take her for dinner but she came late to the airport, so we just dated in front of Express fast food for a while. Talked a bit while she went through her papers.
My God! She was so sweet and cheerful. She seems to enjoy my company although honestly I do not know the extent of her love for me. She once said she love me as a close friend, I know I’m supposed to love her that way too. Oh well, again, I know where I stand. All I can do is just cherish every moment and every second spent with her, even if it’s just a blink of an eye. I can’t meet her that often, and today was one of those golden opportunities I must never miss.
I don’t know if the things I did melted her. I’m not much of a sweet talker, but when I show my concern to someone, I really mean it. I was just being myself. I was just doing things that I think a woman deserves. Love and care. When I met Ayu earlier, her friend seems to know about what’s going on between me and Ayu. Her friend would just smile and gave way for both of us. I did asked Ayu if she ever told her friends about me but she didn’t give a definite answer, perhaps she’s afraid I’m gonna get mad or something. But heck! I don’t care if her close friends knew about as. After all, I’m sure it’s a girl talk thingy. In fact her friend caught us holding hands hhehe..
So before Ayu left, I kissed her sweet hand and whispered the 3 words. She didn’t echoed the 3 words though but she just smiled. Perhaps the kiss on her hands rendered her speechless. In fact I never heard the 3 words from her very mouth whenever we are together. She would reply it if we’re on MSN but face to face, not yet. I don’t know why I did that, but I just want her to know how much I appreciate and care for her. And I don’t know her feelings deep inside when I did that to her. Maybe she melted, or maybe it’s nothing for her. Only God knows.
Hi! Just call me Zul (bukan nama sebenar!) although I know some friends are so used to call me with that name. Heheh! I am just an ordinary person, nothing much special about me. I don’t have the looks of Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom, not the type a person that would make a woman say “Whoaaaaaaaa!” when they first saw me. But I’m not saying I’m ugly either hehe. Not bragging but yea, I am happy for who I am and what God has given me. Syukurtah apa yang ada kan. Simple me, simple dress code, simple appearance.
I’m not going to spend gigabytes on telling about me. Straight to the point, this blog is designed to share my innermost feelings and desires in terms of love and people around me. Woman! yes they are a gift of God especially made for men, just like God created Eve to accompany Adam. They are meant to be loved and treated with tender and care. Some men out there treated women nothing more than just a medium to satisfy their grotesque lust. Pop the cherry, leave and tell their friends how good or bad the woman was on bed. Kiss and tell! A cruel behaviour without realising the karma that it might happen to their own daughter one day.
In my life, women came and go. They brought happiness and might just take it away soon afterwards. Some were taken away from me and I accepted the fact that they were not meant for me. Losing the people I love is nothing new to me, it’s just like closing a chapter of a book before moving on to the next.
If I were to detail the story of each and every one of the women of my life, I will first need a publisher to offer me good money for my writings! Haha… It’s not that I’ve been with lots of women, but yea, quite a handful, despite the fact that I am not that good-looking heheh!
For now, I’d just share some significant stories, especially about someone named Amy. To cut short the story, I used to have a crush on her, but we ended up being good friends coz she had a boyfriend already. 27th November 2005, she passed away in a car accident. Amal, her friend and my good buddy delivered me the devastating news amidst her tears. It was a dark day for me, for all of us, for those who are so dear to Amy. There will be no more of her cheerful smile and giggles. Amal went to her funeral, I couldn’t go, I know I can’t stand looking at her motionless body. Later that night me and Amal agreed to accept the fact that Amy is gone. God loves her more and life has to go on.
One and a half year after Amy is gone, I still miss her, sometimes I feel that she’s still around, she will always be around in my heart and mind. Few months ago, a group of new recruits joined our organisation. As a normal ritual, they were given an induction visit to all the offices. I was in my manager’s room when my colleague MJ called me and said, “you gotta see this!”
So I went back to my office and saw 6 newbies and 1 of the girls caught me by surprise. She has the resemblance of the late Amy. Her face, her lips, her hair, even her quietness. Her name is Ayu, hmm 3 letters, just like Amy, begins with the letter A. During the course of her training, everytime I look at Ayu, she reminds me of Amy. I do not mean to compare though, but even her behaviour resembles late Amy.
I started to like Ayu. Months pass by, Ayu became my good chat friend. I know it’s going to be hard for me to be with her coz she’s engaged so I kept my feelings to myself. But I can tell there is a chemistry between us. As days pass by, some intimacy grew and I started to show her some passion, which she accepted with an open heart. I know what we are doing is wrong but heck.. I can’t help myself from loving her.
Ayu knows very well how I felt for her. I love her, she knows that. It’s not because that she resembles late Amy, after all Amy and Ayu are two different persons and for sure Ayu won’t like it if I want to compare her with other people. I love Ayu for who she is. I love her sweet personality. I know we cannot be together but I will always care for her, we know very well there’s a line drawn between us and I know exactly where I stand. I’m sure she treats me and love me as a close friend, nothing more or less, coz that’s how far we can go.
Oh well, I think I’ll just maintain it that way. I don’t want to take someone else’s belonging but that does not stop me from loving Ayu.
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